It's taken me years and years of research to uncover the secrets of that mystic breed of human. Somewhere along the way, I became one of them. It's time to take a deeper look into what it means to be a rebel.

WEAR CHEAP CLOTHES

Rebels never spend a lot of money on clothing, unless it's very good clothing that furthers the cause of them being a rebel. What's the point in spending a lot of money on clothes that no one cares about anyway? I guess some people need clothes to make up for their lack of charisma.

DRIVE OLD, BUSTED VEHICLES

Old vehicles are a sure sign of rebellion. They scream, "Hey! I don't give a fuck! So fuck you, you fucking tool!" Nothing says, "I'm a fucking rebel, you fucking faggot!" like a smoking exhaust system, a coughing carbarator, and a busted transmission.

LISTEN TO ROCK & ROLL

You can't be a rebel without listening to rock music. You can't listen to stupid shit like rap. That just makes you a stupid tool. And stupid tools are never rebels. Rock music just rips your brain out and feeds it to hungry wolves. There's no way in hell anyone can question how much of a rebel you are if you've got some Misfits blaring on the busted speakers of your busted vehicle.

WEAR JEANS

Jeans are the staple of a rebel. "But Allen, eveyrone wears jeans!" Shut the fuck up. It's true and I already know it. So stop acting like I'm dumb by telling me things I already know, you asshole. But most people wear shitty jeans. The jeans of a rebel no longer have holes in them. Holes are trendy. And trendiness is the exact opposite of rebellion. :facts:

SMOKE CIGARETTES

Smoking cigarettes is easily the clearest sign of coolness. You'll be such a bad ass sucking back that filthy smoke. Pink lungs are lame and not at all cool. Smoking cigarettes is the coolest way to say, "Fuck health! I don't need to live that long!" I whole-heartedly agree. You don't need to live that long. If you're lucky, you'll just have a heart attack and die off pretty quickly. However, if you want to prove your a real badass rebel, you'll hold out for lung cancer.

NEVER DO AS YOUR PARENTS SAY

Your parents are probably dumb and have no idea what's best for you. They don't know what your life is like at all. Our world is so much different than the one they grew up in. They could never relate, and you're not going to make the same mistakes as them anyway. You don't need to be responsible yet either. Fuck that. You do what you want and that's the only way you'll ever turn out to be the person you want. If your parents were so smart, they'd be rich, still together, and wouldn't have had to get married because your mother got pregnant, causing your dad to have to drop out of college and take a fall-back job on the fire department. Anything bad in your life, however, is their fault. Your shattered childhood full of drunken fights, busted sheetrock, and loud curse words will eventually lead to you becoming a depressive alcoholic with not a hope in the world of ever being happy. They have left you delusional and incapable of relationships and one day you'll find the only way to vent your frustration is in sarcastic, insulting, internet articles that other people find funny which is the only thing validating your life and keeping you from putting a gun to your head and blowing you brains out because your friends sure don't give a damn anymore.

So remember: Don't be like everyone else. Be a rebel and follow me.