I wrote this essay for English class. I got an A. With damn good reason.
Allen Christian
Mrs. Whitehead
English – 4th
31 August, 2006
Narrative Essay
It was a day of Cheerios in the afternoon, followed by soup and sandwiches. All of this while Bruce Willis was saving Christmas for the first time in Die Hard. This day was a normal, warm summer day, back when I was eight-years-old: The day I became a man. This was also the same day I became a superhuman, because of the awesomeness of Bruce Willis that had manifested in my body. This great and amazing day marked the turning point in my intelligence as well, as it turned me fifty times smarter. Just a look at these simple facts would be proof enough that Die Hard should be implemented as part of education and daily life.
I became a man at a young age all because of Die Hard and Bruce Willis. It was the day that I developed hair on my chest and beat my father at wrestling. I went to give my mother a hug and broke twelve of her ribs and snapped her spinal column by accident. While it takes most males nearly a decade to go through puberty, I successfully began and completed this process in one day, thanks to Bruce Willis and Die Hard. I am living proof that Die Hard makes better children. All children should be force to watch Die Hard.
Die Hard is the source of any superhuman ability that anyone has, which, by the way, currently consists of only me, Bruce Willis, and Samuel L. Jackson. The first thing I noticed was that I probably had laser vision. This is because a rotating stick of butter that I was staring at began to melt. It would have completely melted if it were not for the white box with a light and a window that it was sitting in. My mom calls it a "microwave", but I call it a power restrainer box. Later that day, I fell out of a tree and was unharmed. Upon further inspection, I discovered absolutely nothing, but assumed that it was because I had an animantium skeleton, just like Wolverine. Next, I discovered that I could launch small missiles from my palm. There is no dim-witted joke that leaves a margin for doubt here; I shot missiles from my hand. This is all proof that Iron Man, Spider-Man, and all of the X-Men were made by watching Die hard. It is also said that the Incredible Hulk was formed when Bruce Banner watched Bruce Willis in Die Hard. This is, of course, pure conjecture, since the movie Hulk was horrible.
Die Hard is also the sole factor in my intelligence. This was demonstrated in many ways. Firstly, I won the spelling bee that day, and there was not even a spelling bee at all that week. Secondly, I beat my grandfather in a wisdom competition, and he is one wise elderly man. Well, either wise or suffers from dementia; one or the other. Also, I made a one-hundred on a twenty-point quiz. Finally, I made Stephen Hawking feel a lot like Dennis Rodman. This had nothing to do with my intelligence; it is just really easy to dress a quadriplegic in drag. Once again, this is further proof that education should consist primarily of Die Hard.
Modern society should be raised on Die Hard. Parents should start conceiving children while watching Die Hard. There should be film-on-cassette versions of Die Hard so that infants might listen while in the womb. We will call it the "Willis Effect", instead of the "Mozart Effect". Die Hard should also be required in schools. There would be a required Die Hard class every year and ever semester of school. Bruce Willis and Die Hard made me a better person, so it will work for you and your children.